BLOG: SANTA FOR GROWN-UPS

This year is coming to a close and, as feeble-minded Americans, we desire some sort of definitive structure to our experience.

LISTS!

We love lists. Rankings. Anything that grants the masses access to the same conclusions as the experts, but at a fraction of the effort and knowledge. But as the year winds down, it’s a pastime to look back and reflect on what has transpired and convert those ephemeral experiences into notches on a time-belt. Nothing does that better than the Top 10 List.

For too long, we have come to take for granted the beauty that is the Top 10 List. This is a travesty, given the time and arduous effort expended by various no-name journalists to quantify art, events, and people in a format that requires the public to do nothing but remain sedentary and most likely bitch about how their favorite whatever got snubbed. It’s freedom of the press at its most pure. So, in honor of the list-makers and the lists themselves, I give to you this year’s top ten Top 10 lists:

10. CNN.com — Top 10 Tech “Fails” of 2012

Always a stalwart of hard-hitting journalism, CNN.com hits a home run with this list. Reminding America that, amidst the rapid growth of technology, we are still human and these hilarious tech gaffs deserve a second glance. It’s fun to see the egg on the face of the faceless monster that is technological growth!

9. CELEBUZZ! — Top 10 Celebrity Newsmakers

Always an important component of distracting the public: celebrities. And what better way to keep the public in denial over their own realities than a recap of the greatest celebrity newsmakers?! From Lindsay Lohan and cocaine to Rihanna and Chris Brown’s fist, this list does the job of providing the public something to do while not attending to their deep-seeded emotional issues. Classic Celebuzz!

8. The Washington Times — Top 10 Bimbos of 2012

The yang to Celebuzz’s yin, The Washington times makes sure to cash in on only the most erroneous of the famous. This provides the readers a chance to reflect on the fact that despite the riches and ridiculous good looks possessed by these so-called “celebs,” their human mistakes can also be exploited for tabloid fodder. It’s not so great at the top! Remember that when you’re at work, trying to drown out the siren song of your soul with yet-another-podcast.

7. TIME — Top 10 Everything in 2012

Oh, TIME. How considerate of you to try and consolidate all of the events into a series of comprehensive lists. This list has it all. Want the best tweets? Got it. Worst tweets? Got that too. Anything you can imagine, TIME has you covered. While we admire the breadth of this, they lose a few points for lack of specificity. But what can you expect from a publication with a name as broad as “Time”?

6. The Wall Street Journal — YouTube’s Top Ten Viral Videos of 2012

The digital age has arrived and is here to stay. (Until it is replaced with something faster, sleeker, and more disruptive to the human emotional process.) Viral videos are spreading like, well, you get it. And the Wall Street Journal has mopped up here, giving us all another chance to remember our favorite transient celebrities. Everyone always talks about their 15 minutes of fame. Well, thanks to YouTube’s uploading limit, for most people, that number is kept under 10 minutes.

5. Collider.com — Top 10 Movie Trailers of 2012

Movie trailers. Often better than the movies themselves. Forget the actual movies, let’s just look at the trailers. They don’t require the patience or cognitive focus that a movie requires. They are flashy, involve loud sounds and lots of quick cuts, and they deserve to be honored for that. Collider nails it here.

4. SHAPE — Top 10 Workout Songs for October 2012

You’re jogging. You got the gear. You got the iPod Nano strapped to your arm. You laced your shoes. But wait! What the fuck will you listen to?! Have no fear, this list is here. When trying to forget the fact that you’re living in a society that deprives you of your natural desire for movement and exercise so you’re forced to immerse yourself in Nike gear and navigate a dog-shit laden sidewalk in order to pump serotonin into your brain, you have to have the right tunes! This list is great, but it’s really specific. If you’re jogging in May or June, you’ll need to find a different list of songs. But for October, this list will make the fact that you’re supporting child labor to negate the donuts you ate for breakfast that much more tolerable.

3. US News — Top 10 Public High Schools in 2012

Knowledge is power. The children are our future. Other vacuous sentiments. It’s no secret that high school is a formative time period for most people. But where are these kids being indoctrinated and entrenched into the status quo most EFFECTIVELY? This list has the answer.

2. Fox News Latino — Top 10 Latino Soccer Moments of 2012

I’m as shocked as you are that this list ranks so high, but soccer (football) is the world’s most popular sport. And in the Latino world, it’s religion. So a recap of the top Latino soccer (fútbol) moments is fitting. I was shocked to find out that the announcer screaming “GOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAL!” was not every entry in this list.

1. drewmichaelcomedy.com — Top Ten Top-10 Lists

Is there even a question? In a world littered with inanity, nothing provides the layer of sarcasm, irony, meta-criticism, and general attitude of subversiveness with the aim of exposing the absurdity of categorizing life as much as this top 10 list. Despite the vague hypocrisy inherent in using a list to criticize lists, this list “tops” them all.

Happy New Year. Go smooch some dude’s daughter.